PDAs – That Ain’t Right

4 December 2014Mckenna H, Mackenzie ‘16

This week featured Brentwood’s annual public speaking contest, Fabrications, initiated by Emerita Faculty, Mrs. Beth Meluish. Below is the winner from the Grade 11 class. I sauntered down the sidewalk on a crisp Sunday morning. The soft breath of winter nipped at the back of my neck. The leaves rustled above, and the dew was so heavy that the fields glistened. I grasped the handle to the familiar Rusticana door and swung it open with purpose. A warmth of caffeine and freshly baked goods swiftly invited me in. I ordered my go to drink. The London Fog. Not the small one….or the medium. The Great Big Bucket of Love. I continued with my happy walk to the table near the door. I nestled right in tight and cozy with my bucket of love. The rim of the cup quivered on the edge of my lip and then it happened. This horrific thing. Most awful thing. Words really can’t describe this thing. I try a mind block but it wasn’t working. It was like a car accident. I’m saying to myself don’t look over, just keep driving. Just keep driving; don’t be one of those people that look. Don’t be one of those lookylues. People! I’m here to talk to you about P.D.A. This horrid condition needs to be prevented. There are three different diagnostic levels of public displays of affection consisting of verbal, physical and the blend. Verbal P.D.A goes up on a scaled level from 1-10. A verbal P.D.A on a level one would be described as one person talking to another person using words like “I love you boogie bear!” As the scale increases the pet names escalate from bearable to aggravating. These pet names are a side effect of PDA known as Odious-Pet-Name-idous. An example of this may be“ I love you Hunny Bunny Sugar Darling Dumpling!” “Oh I love you too my Snuggluffagus!” God help us, there is no known cure. Physical P.D.A can also be measured on an ascending scale. You will know when someone has been hit with this illness when they show forms of kissing, touching, groping, licking, nuzzling, cuddling and crossing hands into each other’s opposite back pockets. Extreme levels include Eskimo and butterfly kisses. It is a proven fact that it is nearly impossible for a bypasser to avert their eyes at this monstrosity of PDA. The third and worst level of PDA is known as the blend. You may know it as the street name, called the perfect storm. This is when there is an unpleasant combination of verbal and physical PDA. This is usually spotted among new couples. However, there is an alarming rise in the elderly. The blend can only be conducted when there is a level ten on both physical and verbal scales. Which leads me back to my story – there I am back in Rusty’s minding my own business and, to my horror, there is this couple. Don’t people know! The glass window right by the front entrance is see through. Both ways! It’s not this magical one-way glass! Oh man… And then it happened – a perfect storm of PDA, rarely seen, right in front of my eyes. It started with them leaning in closer, and then they started murmuring those Odious-Pet-Name-idous mind-scaring names leading to baby talk. Then they started pinky swinging and making these weird guppy lip facial expression. Then the peak of it all, the lips locked for a moment and then deteriorated into a slow motion tongue probing at teeth. After what seemed to be an eternity of slobber sharing, the couple detached. When I did finally take a sip of my bucket of love it was cold and I placed it down with disgust. I don’t even think I can call it my bucket of love anymore and it was a really great name! The Bucket of Love. P.D.A. had ruined, if not love, my appetite. Be discreet, people. Mckenna H, Mackenzie ‘16

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